Kinda My Story

I love you, but you’ll never know it.

unless, of course, you read this and realize that I’m talking about you and if you feel the same way, then reach out and let me know.

you don’t know this, but I think about you every day. literally, every day. I miss you all day and have thoughts bout you, but do you, too? even though you may never feel the same, I wish our stars would align to allow me the pleasure of loving every single bit of you.

you can never love me because our worlds never intersect. in fact, the only time I see us getting together is when im reborn in next life. no matter how much I want us to be together in this life, this world will never allow us to be together; unless we elope away. I can only smile and let these reasons fade away before I lose hope of us ever being together.

I don’t know what it is about you.

we live in two different places. I think of you so often that I often fantasize about everything working out if I just moved myself to your place. the distance makes this impossible for me. if I were to tell you how I felt, the fact that we are so far away would make it impossible to spark any sort of real relationship. why should I be vulnerable with my feelings if there’s a chance they won’t be reciprocated– and if there are chances, the distance will stunt our love’s growth. so what is the point of trying? I dont know what it is that drives me crazy for you, but let me put it this way- I want you and I'm ready to face consequences. dont know if I'm making sense or being hopeless romantic but I'm pretty sure that I want you.

my heart flutters at the thought of you. I get goose bumps when I think of your smile.

I can’t help that everytime that you say my name, it feels like someone out there cares for me and loves me. maybe I'm just procrastinating things, maybe it's just true. I guess I'll never know.

my muscles tense at the thought that you’ll prolly find someone else and my heart breaks at the thought that you prolly have never thought (and will never think) of me this way. I have spent way too much time thinking of all the reasons we will never work: likewise you say that you’re mine, but are you? would you fight for me? will you choose me over everyone? and just like that, the list goes on and on and just like that, I guess I’ll never know.

but certainly, there is just something about you.

"for you, I would submit. with you, I’d grow old."

we may not agree on who to vote into office or what music we like best, but you are the only man that makes me want to put everything aside and who makes me feel confident and strong. those who know me know that this is so NOT me. like, I never felt pretty until you said i was. i never felt amazing, until you made me feel that way. you make me feel very independent and yet, you make me want to cook you dinner every night and have all of your babies. (cringe? I know. but let's just say that it is what it is.) you make me want to do whatever it is that will make you happy and to not to give a single fuck about what anyone would have to say about it. you make me feel like with you, I can conquer this world.

I often imagine myself being the Betty to your Don– only the biracial, (slightly)heavier- 'if-you-cheat-on-me-I-will-actually-cut-you-dicc' version. ridiculous, considering I hate Betty and I hate what Don does to Betty, but accurate because I would be that glamorous 'stay-at-home' wife for you and yet, will be independent.

I’d do it because I’d want to, not because you’d ever ask or require that from me.

I remember our first conversation and how slowly but fast enough, I started falling for you. the way you have cared for me since day one made me feel so safe around you. i dont even slightly tense about telling you anything because in the end, i know that you'll not judge me unless I start being a cringey gurl, duh!

we talked about nothing general at first, but you asked something and we came closer. never had a conversation with you about having children or marriage considering that we, rather I'm too young to figure it out yet. but I'm apparent (in my mind, at least), that we both strongly value family.

I remember lurking just to indirectly talk to you somehow. yes, as you figured out sometimes, i got jealous and still do sometimes, but never show you thinking that it will push you away from me and thats the last fucking thing I want. you sometimes slept while talking to me and I couldn't stop thinking that how adorbs were you and still are. you try to make me jealous and I say 'fuck you' while I'm thinking you as my hubs.

when you once said that you would wrap your (REALLY COMFY) arms around me while I would be angry at you, I wished you were sitting next to me and keeping me warm in those muscle-y enough arms of yours.

I remember talking bout how I never received love and how you said that you'll give it to me. I dont know how you meant it because if you're still reading this, you now know what kinda love I'm talking about here. doubting that I'll ever send this to you and that you'll ever like me like that, I'll still continue to write it.

we talked and talked and as I felt myself falling for you, i kept saying this to me- "you dork girl, you're gonna mess this up someday if he ever comes to know. be best friends with him and converse (not like a teenage girl in love, duh)." and yet, even after knowing all the consequences, i fell. way too hard, i would admit, but surprisingly, it didn't hurt (yet). there is no love without hurting. everyone used to blabber things, but as everyone chatted, the only thing I saw was you.

I remember being high and talking God knows what not and you not judging me at all. wish I had been less high when i decided to ask you certain things. I didn’t even expect us to talk everyday and to be this close. but, surely it would be easier for me to gage whether you want to be friends or if (also from your side) it is more than that. I was embarrassed when you figured out certain things, but was relieved when you laughed and just kept going with the flow. when you told me to call you the next day while we were chatting at night, it made my night but I was so nervous to do so and yet, I did- woohoo!

it's silly of me to even think of us as something as we are from two different places where cold wars are always on. but, as I wrote before, I would risk it all for you. it's 5am here and I cant think of anyone but you and you little "hehe" laugh when you say something risky. if you ever read this, you will prolly think- "this girl is so cringey, omg. she never was like this on calls or texts." well, I was but I always ended up putting certain things in the end so that it would feel like I'm not too serious bout it when I actually was and am. this is certainly gonna hurt me, but theres nothing more that I want more than you. I never felt this way ever and now that I'm experiencing it, I feel so good and jealous when you're a lil flirty with others, but you'll never know this. hopefully.

you might be thinking this too that I'm so young to decide that I want you, but you should know that, that I maybe young (not very) but I'm not naive. I know what are the consequences and what problems would be there but I'm ready for it all. not just to say, but to actually be able to show it to you. only somehow if I could tell you certain things without being obvious, I would have but I'll say nothing.

I don’t know why I’m giddy like a little girl when I think of you, or why you have this effect on me. but it is true that you make me feel like a teenager in love. Ive kept pics of you on my phone that you thought were very eww but you looked really cute. they've certain sayings from you bout me and I smile everytime when I see them. wish I could seize some moments with you, but im happy with whatever I have right now.

I love you and you know this by now and also because I always 'ily' you but, now you certainly know how I mean them. also, I’m too chicken to ever let you know all this. as much as I want you to read it and to get a 'OH MY GOD' reaction from you, I never want you to see this as it will ruin what we have and that's the last thing I want.

so here I say it again- ily.

~Medhavi